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"CaNews"Canews is Ringwood Canoe Clubs 'quarterly magazine' - giving trip reports, event calendars, news, notices, etc. Next issue date: April 2012 - so get paddling and get writing Please note that, from now on (and as discussed at the meeting) articles for Canews will not be included on the Canews Pages until they have been first published in the Quarterly pdf edition A copy of the latest few 'Canews' can be downloaded as a pdf file here. (If you want copies of earlier Canews, please ask Graham) 2012 January
RCC History As a bit of fun - I will gradually be posting up copies of Canews going back 14 years. Take a look at some of our history!
It relies on contributions from ALL members! All material that might be of interest to club members is very gratefully received. Send to: Graham Bland, or Email to gbland@ringwoodcanoe.co.uk Caption CompetitionGive me a caption for the next issue. Nothing to win but the glory.
Last Entries
Tim seemed to enjoy holding the blackboard, inviting people for a good meal, between his legs Mike W It must have been cold in the shade, Dave was warming his boobies, Dot was warming her cheeks, Tim had his hands in his pockets and Paul had his hands on his hips mmmmmmmmmm and the lady in the window was impressed by the advertised size!! Mike W Having inserted the batteries, Tim smugly stood back and activated Take off Mode.!!! Dot
“A good feast at lunch time, a few beers, yup you ground out …….simples Simon” “Simon had seen this bit in the ’Italian Job’ , but did HE know how to get to the bullion in the front of his boat ?” Mike W “A bump and grind on doggy weir” Victor Copeland You rotten bastards! I wasn’t expecting a weir here when I agreed to run this bit blindfolded. Barry.
‘Nookie and Tarts a good mix for paddling’ said Ritchie Mike W
Mike Worth was on a roll (very appropriate turn of phrase :-)) and offered three:- Barry was mighty relieved, he could now feed the family on their annual luxury camping trip, without going near the shops Who’s pouting, who’s smiling? Barry is happy that his new Trout Tail Paddle works
Never put unleaded in your diesels Graham B Mike W suggests 3:
Rich J has:-
The Dog was disgusted at the way Dot continued to beg a drink from riverside locals although she was a registered member of AA. The camera never lies! Mike W That is the last time I trust that dam dog to keep a lookout while I try to sneak up and snaffle someone’s pint!! Dot
Quite a few entries for this one - but the winner is Mike Worth:- “Ballad of Ross” Now I'm the king of the swingers Oh, the rivers VIP I start at the top and never stop And that don’t bother me I wanna be a man paddler And paddle white water well And be just like the other men I'm tired of hanging around!
Oh, oobee doo I wanna be like you I wanna walk like you Talk like you, too You'll see it's true An ape like me Can learn to paddle too
“Those skid plates were a waste of money ……” Mike Worth
"... and up. Who says you can't roll an open canoe." (Adrian B) “Jumping into his Canadian half way down the rapid was surprisingly successful”. (Cathy R) “The colonic irrigation effect surprised Michael at first” (Cathy R) “No, it’s an easy move really. Just a question of balance. You sit on the gunwale with your thumb up your bum, turn the paddle round and support on the T-grip. I’ll do it with a tray of glasses on my head next time” Barry D “Dozing comfortably on his blue recliner, Mike suddenly remembered he had left the bath running”..... Mike F. “They're all the same, these back seat drivers”.. Nick L And, finally, “if it’s OK for Barry …..” Mike Worth
The above, from Mike Farnden And Mike Worth suggests:- “Rule 1 Insurance Scam do not go into a police station . Rule 2 Don’t drown on way to shore Rule 3 Don’t do this in shark infested water ,…..aaargh Rule 4 Use cheap plastic boat !”
“Wow, you’re keen Mike. She says she may, but I bet she’s just teasing.” (Barry D) In fact, I took this photo on the Thames about 16 years ago I think. As Mike demonstrated how not to get out of a kayak, with inevitable consequences, you can see Bev was trying really hard to stop the boat from drifting out, and I shouted “Don’t move Mike” as I rushed for my camera. You know who your friends are Mike. I tried to find the second photo in the sequence, but perhaps Mike burned it. Barry.
I’ll push this rock away, you can then get the canoe into the cave!! (Mike W). A lift in that? No thanks, I'd rather walk. (Barry D)
“Another successful trip led by Ross!” (Ros W) "Due to the re-profiling of the Woodmill weir, the try-a-boat session was proving challenging" (Mike F) Another classic illustration of the RCC open boat fraternity failing to hit the line identified by Ross (Ross M) “Well, Ross went down in his kayak and said it was no problem....” OR “Lemmings Canoe Club” (Barry D)
“Gordon realises that his new paddling style is all but washed up!” HarrDrBob?
“Paul’s feelings were obvious as it came up to a full minuet since Ross’s disappearance“ Mark Giddens
“The farmer must enjoy anagrams; he’s changed Blackness Beach into A Backless Bench”. Or: “I don’t care if everyone else is in shorts. I’m not rolling them up any further – and get your hand out!” Barry. “As usual RCC were like coiled springs waiting for the tide to turn”. Mike “Poisonous gas outrage claims 7 victims - Ross denies farting but there is overwhelming circumstantial evidence” Or “RCC members grow bored waiting for results of knobbly knee competition” Nick
"The Immigration service deployed their sniffer dog, who immediately locked on to an illegal alien" or "As his ears started to grow longer, Barry regretted calling Becky a witch!" Mike
Ross laughed – the sight of Dave C swimming, his boat nowhere to be seen, was becoming all too familiar. (Paul B) Ross expresses concern as hypothermic trip survivor reaches river bank (Nick L)
Nick L’s contribution: “Hanna deliberately chose to misinterpret Olly's request “ And Mike F came up with two:- “Pre paddle nerves ensured that Hannah rapidly depleted the on board gin supply, so another bottle of Bombay Saphire was rushed to the scene! “ Or: “By the time she had inhaled a complete tank full of Helium, Hannah's impression of Paul in animated discussion was nearly perfect.” But the winner is Barry D with “You’re a brave girl putting any of Paul’s kit in your mouth. Here, have a rinse.”
Emerson Lake and Palmer fan models the latest XXXL waterproof T shirt
Barry
Blimey - areithiai gwir! Nick L
"Mike keeps abreast of Heimlich manoeuvre ….." Nick L
"I can still
remember the days when I didn't need any help to get her trousers off
in the car park" "Dot was anxiously trying to work out how she was going to fit the third leg she'd mysteriously grown into her two legged pair of trousers!" (Paul B)
"Call that an RCC member?!" (Nick L) Elliot knew Debbie had an invisible friend, but could never have guessed he was a naked giant! (Mike F)
Ross tests out the new aqua-facial spa bath
"Up Periscope"
It's
Hell I tell you! We're doomed to sit in this eddy until somebody writes a
caption! From …. Bob (The Bear) Mackenzie
An
ardent young boater named Chris Went
looking for kayaking bliss, Said,
"I'll endo and roll through
the next monster hole." The result of his effort was this From ...... Bob (The Bear) Mackenzie
Or .. "That'll teach you to keep your eyes to yourself" (Frances !!)
"Don't you know how cold it can get? I told you to put some gloves on!!" Paul Beeston
"The instructions say we should have been putting the big end of the paddle in the water!" … Mike Farnden "I see our investments are dropping as fast as the tide but, if you work a bit harder dear, I am sure we can hold our position in both senses" Barry Deakin
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"Still dazed, Graham was trying to explain that the
rock had jumped out in front of him and had nothing to do with the 10 pints
of Speckled Hen he had consumed the night before" (Paul Beeston)
